June 20th, 2006
My life balances on the edge of a sword.
Today was a great day. One of those days that fell in line exactly as I envisioned my days when I decided to be self-employed. I worked on current gigs, prepared for future assignments, exercised, ate a good lunch, worked on my golf game (twice), and was simply happy and content in my activities. Thoroughly pleasing. However, the day began with hours of terror. Lauryn woke this morning to find that all was not well with her body (even worse than last Friday's episode). She saw the doctor and it turns out that for now everything is fine.
Throughout the day I couldn't help but think that everything could have easily gone the other way. Instead of enjoying a fulfilling day of work and betterment, I might have spent the day with my wife grieving yet another loss. It's almost too much to bear. And the difficult part is that tomorrow could just as easily be that day. The day that replaces October 27th, 2005 as the worst day of my life. And it won't end with the birth of a healthy child. In a world full of danger, luck, chance, and misfortune, there is no telling when your new 'worst day' will show up. It's enough to make you want to stay in bed all day to hide from the peril that waits outside your door. So how does one get up in the morning? I used to trust and pray. That's all it rook. And quite honestly I'd love to be fooled by those notions again. At least it's something. Instead I walk in the valley of the shadow of death almost by habit. So although I have nothing to hold on to, I take small comfort in knowing that I've been here before and walked this valley for 25 years with an imaginary umbrella covering my head and I have yet to receive that fatal blow. But every day I walk could be that day. And as my family grows, the target gets bigger. It's no longer the width of one man; but of the man, his wife, and his unborn child. It paralyzes me to think about. So I'll end here.
My life balances on the edge of a sword.
Today was a great day. One of those days that fell in line exactly as I envisioned my days when I decided to be self-employed. I worked on current gigs, prepared for future assignments, exercised, ate a good lunch, worked on my golf game (twice), and was simply happy and content in my activities. Thoroughly pleasing. However, the day began with hours of terror. Lauryn woke this morning to find that all was not well with her body (even worse than last Friday's episode). She saw the doctor and it turns out that for now everything is fine.
Throughout the day I couldn't help but think that everything could have easily gone the other way. Instead of enjoying a fulfilling day of work and betterment, I might have spent the day with my wife grieving yet another loss. It's almost too much to bear. And the difficult part is that tomorrow could just as easily be that day. The day that replaces October 27th, 2005 as the worst day of my life. And it won't end with the birth of a healthy child. In a world full of danger, luck, chance, and misfortune, there is no telling when your new 'worst day' will show up. It's enough to make you want to stay in bed all day to hide from the peril that waits outside your door. So how does one get up in the morning? I used to trust and pray. That's all it rook. And quite honestly I'd love to be fooled by those notions again. At least it's something. Instead I walk in the valley of the shadow of death almost by habit. So although I have nothing to hold on to, I take small comfort in knowing that I've been here before and walked this valley for 25 years with an imaginary umbrella covering my head and I have yet to receive that fatal blow. But every day I walk could be that day. And as my family grows, the target gets bigger. It's no longer the width of one man; but of the man, his wife, and his unborn child. It paralyzes me to think about. So I'll end here.
posted by javboy | 10:20 PM
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