Not The Same
It's been a while since I wrote anything. Mostly because I've been busy with all the changes around here and the traveling for Grandma's funeral. Life seems very strange right now. Almost like a wool blanket is covering the whole world and we're all just trying to peer through it to see the sun.
It was so nice to see the family while in Iowa. It's really unbelievable how close all of the cousins are. I don't think many families are like that. We all just really like each other and truly care about one another. The whole funeral and everything around it was just weird. The viewing was probably the strangest. So many people came from many of the different periods of Grandma's life as well as many others just to support the family. But it had the air and atmosphere of a party, all while my grandmother was lying in a casket. Dead. She didn't even look like herself. I guess the bodies of the dead never really do. There is an indefinable vitality that gives a living person their distinct 'look' and I guess that leaves when they die. I'm glad she didn't really look like herself.
Grandpa held up better than I thought although most of that can be attributed to confusion due to his stage of Alzheimers. It's so tough to see him in that state of frustration since he can barely hold a 3 line conversation with any clarity. Maybe the loss of memory will protect him from the loss of his beloved. One can only hope. It was reassuring to see glimpses of the 'old' Grandpa that I love so dearly. Brief flashes of recognition and personality are all that remain of determined and wonderful man. Such is life. Ashes to ashes they say.
Leaving him so far away tears me apart. If only I could visit every day, perhaps that would help dull the pain that I'm sure rushes back to him with each flash of remembrance that Donna is gone.
The past year has been the best and worst of my life. I'm generally a pretty even keel kind of person, rolling with the punches and never deviating too far from center. But this year has been nothing but peaks and valleys. It's as if I'm being stretched to my limits. I can't quite rejoice in my successes nor wallow in the darkness because before I know it the tide has changed and dragged me with it. In two days I celebrate the third anniversary of the best day of my life followed quickly two weeks and two days later by the first anniversary of the worst. I can't believe it's been a year. When does the healing begin?
It was so nice to see the family while in Iowa. It's really unbelievable how close all of the cousins are. I don't think many families are like that. We all just really like each other and truly care about one another. The whole funeral and everything around it was just weird. The viewing was probably the strangest. So many people came from many of the different periods of Grandma's life as well as many others just to support the family. But it had the air and atmosphere of a party, all while my grandmother was lying in a casket. Dead. She didn't even look like herself. I guess the bodies of the dead never really do. There is an indefinable vitality that gives a living person their distinct 'look' and I guess that leaves when they die. I'm glad she didn't really look like herself.
Grandpa held up better than I thought although most of that can be attributed to confusion due to his stage of Alzheimers. It's so tough to see him in that state of frustration since he can barely hold a 3 line conversation with any clarity. Maybe the loss of memory will protect him from the loss of his beloved. One can only hope. It was reassuring to see glimpses of the 'old' Grandpa that I love so dearly. Brief flashes of recognition and personality are all that remain of determined and wonderful man. Such is life. Ashes to ashes they say.
Leaving him so far away tears me apart. If only I could visit every day, perhaps that would help dull the pain that I'm sure rushes back to him with each flash of remembrance that Donna is gone.
The past year has been the best and worst of my life. I'm generally a pretty even keel kind of person, rolling with the punches and never deviating too far from center. But this year has been nothing but peaks and valleys. It's as if I'm being stretched to my limits. I can't quite rejoice in my successes nor wallow in the darkness because before I know it the tide has changed and dragged me with it. In two days I celebrate the third anniversary of the best day of my life followed quickly two weeks and two days later by the first anniversary of the worst. I can't believe it's been a year. When does the healing begin?
posted by javboy | 9:42 PM
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