In a world gone mad...

This world is just too much to take. I can't believe the atrocities that some people commit. I hear about brutality on the news, see it fictionalized on TV and in the movies, read about it in books, magazines, and newspapers. But these things are really happening. Someone is actually cutting the head off of another human being.
Alive one minute, a headless corpse the next. Even thinking about it makes me physically ill.
Who are these people? What goes on in their brains?
Am I different?

Intercessory Prayer

Ok, so it's intercessory prayer that we've been discussing for a few months now. That's really where my idea of God has had the biggest challenge. On one hand I have 2,000 years (and more) of tradition that teaches ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find. Sounds great. But the reality is that I asked and I didn't receive. In fact I was abandoned. At least outwardly.
So what's the deal? I've said before that now there can only be three conclusions: God isn't there at all, God isn't listening, God doesn't care. Of the last, I suppose 'care' is the wrong word. I'm not saying God isn't concerned with my supplications, but I'm simply stating that they do not have a direct effect on what he chooses to implement (if he's implementing anything).
So that's the dilemma. Everything we've been taught versus what we've experienced.
Seems pretty clear cut to me. What we've been taught is wrong...Or is it?
Perhaps the truth lies in the teaching but we just don't quite understand the lesson completely. Although I have my issues recently with using words directly from the Bible and other holy texts because their validity is extremely questionable, I look to the New Testament and the words of Jesus (who else would know better?) to find that the man himself is a practitioner of intercessory prayer. And guess what...What he prays for doesn't happen either. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane praying to the point of bloodshed, pleads with God for another way besides his crucifixion. But the important part of this prayer comes at the end. Thy will be done, not my own is what he says. And there in lies the truth. Intercessory prayer isn't a guarantee that what we want to occur will. We are not directing God. Nor do I think he is really directing us (that whole 'free will' thing, remember?). But giving a supplication to God with the understanding that God will impose his will is not futile.
C.S. Lewis gives a great example for why this is so. Imagine a friend of yours asks for a favor and then adds "if it's not too much trouble" to the end of the request. The request is completely changed by simply adding that phrase indicating that the choice is still yours. The favor may or may not be granted, but you are now aware of your friend's desire and can choose whether or not you will acquiesce.
The prayer at Gethsemane is not the only prayer that follows suit. One need not look further than the Lord's Prayer to find "thy will be done." This supposed 'model prayer' for Christians is based on the same concept. Give us this day our daily bread but only if it is your will.
It's a bit of a breakthrough for me. I'm done with the fist shaking. I'm done blaming. I'm done being angry.
Do I understand it? No. Am I still having trouble praying on my own? Yes.
Do I still break down in tears? Absolutely.
The pain isn't gone, and I don't think it ever will be.
But I'm building my house of cards. It will get knocked down again, I know.
But I must still build.

My Brother

Today is my brother's birthday. He's 32. Wow that sounds old. It must sound really old to him.
We couldn't do anything too celebratory for him because tonight was the second night in a four night run of the play The Fantasticks in which he plays Matt. So we went and saw him perform tonight. It's the first time I've seen him act since he was in college I think and I had forgotten just how good he is. He was really extraordinarily good. I was really proud of him.
It's interesting the talents that some people possess. It's really a shame that not everyone can simply do what they're best at for a living. Not to say that he's a better actor than a minister, but it just seems like for him, acting would be simpler. He would simply do his job, a job that he happens to love, do it well, and that's all it would take. When you're a minister there's so much more to it and the job is so much less defined. There is no obvious black and white, success and failure in the ministry. No matter what you do some people in the church will think you should have done it differently. I guess it's the old axiom that you can't please all the people all the time. And in the church it's multiplied to the 100th power. Probably because in a place that is supposed to be all accepting, you cannot be as direct as you may normally be for fear of offending someone. Everything has to be treated with much more care.
The problem this creates is that if 99% of the people are happy with something being done a certain way, there usually ends up being a compromise to make the 1% happy while diminishing the satisfaction of the 99. I see it all of the time in the church. It's pretty frustrating too because the church is the one place where you would think the 'greater good' would be the most served instead of the lowest common denominator.
But I digress...
Happy Birthday, Josh

Environment vs. Biology

Today I met someone from a very different background from myself. He was what you could call a little rough around the edges. And by rough I mean course, rude, and drunk. But through that exterior there shone bright, albeit brief, moments of a responsible, thoughtful, and respectful person. Not to say there were enough of these moments that I would want to spend any more time with him than was absolutely necessary.
It makes me wonder, is this person merely a product of his environment and the brief moments of politeness are flashes of what great potential are contained inside? Or is it simply a miracle that there are spots of light at all? It's the age old question, what shapes a person? Is our environment responsible or are we predisposed to be a certain way?
There is no way it's that simple. From what I have seen and experienced there is some predisposition that is then covered by experience. Anyone who has spent any time with newborn babies will know that they all do not act the same way. Some are docile and quiet, others noisy and active, and everywhere in between. Score 1 for biology. Also, quite often you hear stories of people with less than stellar backgrounds rising above their upbringings to go on to greatness, be it as a public success or as a person of moral integrity. On the flip side, people brought up with many advantages sometimes end up entirely bereft of character and responsibility. Score 2 for biology.
But then I look at my life experience. Although the change I have seen in myself over the past 7 years is far less drastic than going from heathen to aristocrat, or charlatan to pillar of morality, I do see a change in my actions, attitude, goals, and tastes. Would these changes have taken place had I not moved out of my parents house? Would I be the same person today if I had not moved to the east coast? The answer is quite clearly, no. My environment has changed me if not entirely, at least drastically in the finer points.
Now I am lead to ask the question, had I been brought up in the same place and under the same circumstances as my new acquaintance, would I be so rough on the outside with only small points of light pointing to my true self? Surely the question is unanswerable and of course I am quick to say "Of course I would have the same moral fortitude regardless of upbringing," but if I am really being honest with myself, I know that cannot be the case.
Man is born with an innate sense of caring for fellow man, but only to the point that it does not lead to the destruction of oneself. Given the choice between looking out for yourself or another, the innate sense will choose the self. Only a being who has had their sense of selflessness cultivated and has been shown by example such actions of giving will choose the well being of another over that of themselves. Score a big one for environment.
I leave you with this example. Everyone in this country is taught at an early age that 3 x 3 = 9. But if a person is never taught the multiplication tables, and even more than that, not ever taught to count, they will never know that 3 x 3 = 9. It doesn't make that equation any less true, nor does it mean that that person is incapable of understanding the concept, they simple lack the instruction to understand it. Yes, some people would figure it out on their own (how else would we know this unless someone figured it out), but far fewer people would know it if each person had to start from scratch to uncover it.
So perhaps the man I met today never learned math either.

Alone

Sorry I haven't written in so long. I thought keeping this journal as a blog instead of in a notebook as it started would make it easier for me to write. But I've just been so busy lately that I haven't had time. I usually write in bed right before I go to sleep, but I've actually been going to sleep instead. Imagine that!
Business has been good, I went on vacation, and my dad's family came out for a visit. That's why I've been so busy. It's really been great though.
It's funny, it's not really that I've been too busy to write, but more that when I have a busy day I don't have time to think about things. And it's really that contemplation time that spawns these ramblings. It's too bad to, because I feel like it's a great exercise for the mind to let it wander as often as possible. It's also very liberating and spurs on more thought.
Something I noticed today is just how alone I am. Not to say I don't have people around me who I can talk to or who care about me, but there are very few people who I feel really understand me. For instance (and this is a dumb example), today I finally figured out how to hook Vonage VoIP into the current phone wiring system in my house so that all the phones work like normal but are using the Vonage service. I thought this was the coolest thing in the world and is going to save my wife and I a good chunk of change on phone service while giving us the freedom to make unlimited calls and such. So when I got this working not only was I pleased about the practical issues, but I was proud that I had figured it out and got it to work properly and quickly too. Usually I have a great concept, but when I put it into practice it either doesn't work the way I designed or it takes forever to make it happen, so this was a pleasant surprise. So there I am beaming with accomplishment and I tell my wife to pick up the phone so she can see that it works and the response I get is..."Great." I don't know what I expected, maybe a ticker tape parade or something, but I was hoping for more. Then I see my father-in-law, same response. Brother-in-law, same response. Not that it's their fault. My expectations were just out of wack.
So there is the problem. I feel alone because the things that I expect are rarely the things that actually come to fruition. Maybe it's less that people don't understand me and more that I don't understand people and place unrealistic expectations on them. I think that they know me better than they do. When it comes down to it, even the people you are most intimate with will never know what's going on in your head. They can never know exactly how you feel. Maybe this is what draws us to create or find or know a God that is omnipotent. Just so we don't feel so alone, trapped inside our heads with no chance to let anyone in. It's easy to see how God could be a creation of man to fulfill our emotional needs if you can for just a second put aside the pride that people have in thinking that they haven't been fooling themselves into believing in something that isn't real. I'm not saying God isn't real. I'm just saying that from a rational perspective it makes perfect sense that man created God to fill a need for understanding and companionship. If that were all there is to it there wouldn't be much of an argument, so I'm not saying that this is why people believe in God and that those people are wrong. I believe in God. Not to say I haven't questioned it. I think it is foolish not to question it frequently, as with anything that requires belief. But even at my worst I always come to the conclusion that God exists. But the God that we have created and the God that exists may turn out to be very different indeed.