In Memory of

Yesterday morning as a new day arrived, Donna Munzenmaier took her last painful breath before departing, leaving her failed and worn out shell to rest in the Lord's arms. She leaves behind a large, loving family and a lifetime of Christian service.
But to me she was Grandma. Fryer of sausages, sender of birthday cards, provider of late night pizza, one of my first musical memories, encourager under all circumstances. All that a grandma should be.
She had grown prematurely old, beginning shortly after my family moved to the east coast, right after her mother died. The change was instant. From a vibrant caretaker to a decrepit Parkinson's sufferer in the matter of a few months. It was difficult to understand and even harder to accept while being so far away and continuing to hold on to such recent memories of her being mobile, healthy, and happy. She appeared weaker with each visit until the last few in which she was wheelchair bound and barely able to speak in any audible fashion.
It pains me to think of her suffering as she did these last few years. I know the pain was intense enough to turn anyone sour, but for me, she put on her 'grandma face' and smiled whenever I visited. I didn't realize at the time how much strength that must have taken, to smile in the face of such pain, fear, and anger as her body degenerated under the stress of age and a debilitating disease.
I hate to dwell so much on the last agonizing years of a life that accomplished so much more, but it breaks my heart to think of her suffering as she did. I know I'm supposed to take comfort in knowing that she no longer must endure the pain of living, but it does little to dull the pain of losing the matriarch of a close family. I miss her as she was. I still can't wrap my mind around the thought that she's actually gone. Her body is now empty. She doesn't live there anymore. I guess I always thought that once she finished this horrible battle with failing health that she would be back to normal. Like we could just put that unpleasantness behind us and continue on, every once in a while saying "Remember when you were sick? That was bad, I'm glad that's over." But now she's dead. Dead. I can hardly bring myself to write the word. Death is not something that is supposed to happen to people I care about so much. It's for people I don't know who seem far away where I say "That's a shame" but never feel any loss for.
I guess it's just too soon. I miss her and the way she used to be. I really could have began to grieve 8 years ago as things really started to decline, but death is so final. Before, there was always hope of something better. But now it's done. She's gone. In time I hope to remember her as she was when she was whole and healthy and full of the life that was hers.
A grandmother, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a great-grandmother, a singer, a pianist, a cook, a nurturer, a poet, a friend, and so much more.
I leave you with her own words that she sent to me not long ago during a challenging period of my life

The Journey

by Donna Munzenmaier

Make Faith your anchor
Love your compass
Wisdom your navigator
and Joy your companion----
then
cram Compassion into your valise
stuff Fun in a pocket
slide a Penny in your shoe
and
make Peace your destination

Rest in peace, Grandma.

Big Life Changes

Well, we did it.
It's been a crazy (to say the least) week, but it's all official now. We put an offer on a house in Douglassville, it was accepted, we cleaned and repaired our current home, and it's now on the market. In the blink of an eye, our world is changed completely. I had a vague idea on Friday the 15th when we went to look at houses that this was a possible outcome but it hardly registered just how huge this is. We went from casually looking to moving our whole lives 40 miles west to a new community and for all purposes a new world. All while being 6 months pregnant. So now the winter holds two of the biggest (and most stressful) changes a couple can endure: childbirth and moving. Both within weeks of each other (maybe days...).
I'm super excited though. We wouldn't have taken this on if we hadn't found a place that we both loved so much. It's gorgeous and everything we're looking for in a home, property, and neighborhood, even if it isn't exactly too close to our parents. But you know, all we can do is do what we can. You know the old adage, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. Well, we're making lemonade and making the best damn lemonade we know how. And I think we're doing as good a job as anyone.
Lauryn's pretty nervous about selling our house as the market has certainly slowed in the past 6 months. But we cleaned this place and made sure everything looks nice; we priced it to sell, and I think it will. I am going to miss this place. For all the inconveniences of a townhouse it has ably served as our first real 'home' together and we've made it feel like it's our home. It's strange to think that our child will never know this as home. It will be that place that we lived in before you were born. Like the place my parents tell me about. Funny how that happens. I don't think there's any escape from turning into your parents at least a little bit.
And to think, just a few months ago I was in the darkest place I have ever known and now life has completely flipped to the most optimistic and brightest points imaginable. New home, new baby, business is going well, and a new world to explore.
I'm inching closer to prayer as well. Now if I only knew who I was praying to...

Decisions

It's coming down to it. Only 2 1/2 months to go. Then Murray will be here. Ok, so we're not really calling the baby Murray. But it's such a fun name to call him/her while in the womb.
We've got so much to do before then and we're dragging our feet a bit because some of the decisions to be made are just sooo difficult. Are all of life's major decisions this hard? Right now it's mostly about where to live. Being in a townhouse for the last two years has been great in that it's much better than apartment living. No doubt there. And really, our place is great as far as townhouses go. It's big and very nice on the inside. The outside is a bit of a different story, but it's not all that bad. We're just ready to be real homeowners, you know? Have a house that is not connected to anything else. Where we are responsible for everything. Where we actually own land. The kind of place that you envision raising a family.
But it's not that simple. Houses are just so expensive, especially around here and especially in the last 3 years. So we're pushed ever further west in an attempt to find suitable housing at a price that we can possibly afford. And that's the bummer. I actually am getting used to where we are now and there are things like our church that I really don't want to leave. Plus the further west we head, the further away from our families we are which is essentially the reason we're staying in this state in the first place.
So we're stuck. There is no clear cut choice. And the stakes are high. I guess that's a part of life. Making decisions you're ill equipped to make. Just close your eyes and jump.

Perception

It's funny how little you really understand things as a child, but how your perceptions mold your expectations in adulthood. I've always felt like anyone older than me always 'had it all figured out' and really knew what was going on. I remember looking up to the umpires at my little league games and thinking they were so cool and knew it all. But then a few years later I was an umpire, in that exact position and didn't have a clue.
This is something that still happens all the time. I walk through my life looking at others who seem like they've got it together. You know, all their ducks in a row and such. I still think that. Everyone's got it figured out except for me.
But the thing is, as I get older I realize that no one does. Not my parents, peers, friends. No one. Even the coolest, most successful people can't tell you what will happen tomorrow or what it's all for. They may fool themselves into thinking that they are the master of their own destiny, but they are doing just that, fooling themselves. The world is out of our control. Each choice we make is a privilege in that it can be taken away at any time. We can make the choice to stay inside our home all day, but if there's a fire in your house, your choice is taken away.
My point is simply that we are given the perception of having 'free-will' but it simply isn't so. We may have the free-will to choose to follow God or not, but we do not have free-will to govern the events of our lives in there entirety.
So I guess the best we can do is buy in to the perception and hope for the best. Make choices as if we are in control and deal with it when we aren't.
That's all I've got to say about it right now.

Heading up to Connecticut this weekend for Nicole and Dave's wedding. Should be a good time.